When We Ask ‘How Are You?’ Are We Really Listening?

A few days ago I wrote about why we say fine.

Today I want to turn the question around.

Because what about when you're the one doing the asking?

"How are you?"

You smile. You wait. You look like you're listening.

But are you?

Or are you already half-composing your reply? Deciding whether their answer is going to be long or short. Whether you've got time for this today. Whether you need to match their energy or quietly manage it

Or are you already half-composing your reply? Deciding whether their answer is going to be long or short. Whether you've got time for this today. Whether you need to match their energy or quietly manage it.

We ask "how are you" the way we say no worries and sounds good.

It's punctuation. A social nicety dressed up as care.

And the person on the receiving end knows it.

That's partly why they say fine.

Because the body reads the room long before the brain catches up. They clock your posture, your breathing, the half-second of eye contact, the slight lean away. And they decide — without even knowing they're deciding — whether you're really asking or just clearing your throat before the next thing.

Real listening has a felt quality to it.

A stillness. A slight slowing. An absence of the next thought already queuing up behind your eyes.

Most of us were never taught this. Especially those of us who grew up managing the emotional atmosphere of everyone around us. We learned to assess, to soothe, to redirect.

Not to simply receive.

So when someone actually tells us the truth — when they say actually, not great — something in us tightens.

Because now we have to stay.

Now we have to not fix it.

Just be with it.

That's uncomfortable for people who've spent a lifetime doing.

I spent years in clinical settings being the person who held space professionally. The structure of a consultation gave me a container for it. But in ordinary life — in the kitchen, in the car park, on the phone with a friend — I had to learn this differently.

The breath is what slows everything down enough to actually be present with another person.

Not performing care. Not managing the moment.

Just here.

That's rarer than people think.

And everyone feels it when it happens

Are you ready to discuss how you really are? Don't hesitate to reach out, lets have a chat

Contact Sue